I am NOT ashamed...

... that I am a woman, or an artist, or a wife. I am not ashamed of my looks, my belly, my clothes with paint stains, or the fact that I have been listening to the same music for the last 20 years.

I am disheartened. I am discouraged. And I am not ashamed to say that I do not know it all or have all the right answers all the time.

I am ashamed of you who think that bettering yourself means to put someone beneath you. I am doubly ashamed at the women who do this to other women because they have succumbed to feelings of shame or self-loathing placed upon them by yet another someone. This cycle is what has to end to allow women better positions in this world.

When will women band together honestly and truthfully to HELP each other, instead of intentionally hurting each other?

But to be totally honest, there is one thing I am ashamed about. I do not know how to change these relationships, or the environments that breed such loathsome competition and back-stabbing. Maybe ashamed isn't the right word. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to make the kind of changes that I think would make strides in fixing those issues.

I am disappointed because it sometimes seems as though there is no chance that these attitudes will ever shift. And that is a disheartening prospect.

Enough.

It has been a while since I last made an entry and it's because sometimes I am lazy about logging in and jotting down my thoughts.

But I've been reading my (one of many) cousin's blog and it reminded me of my own space that I had carved out to use as a soap box. This one titled 'but i AM a real women' was originally set up as a place to discuss my role and relationship in/to society as a woman artist and what that means to me. But now I realize that my 'femaleness' extends beyond my artistic practices.

Of course in the great (and mangled here) words of Mierle Ukeles, she says that she is a woman, a wife, a mother and an artist. And due to constraints in time and life, and the demands that every single sector place on her, that she could not maintain her art and career while maintaining her family. So to satisfy her need to create and her duties to her family, she found that she must combine art and family practices so that she might be fulfilled and fulfilling.

Clever girl. Giving her self permission to LIVE. AND to be a real WOMAN all the while. Because real women know that you can only do what you can, and that there should not be shame, guilt, or expectations that lace those decisions with derision from society because we have not done enough. Enough is always enough. Or, what we can each manage individually should be enough for those around us.

And anyone who thinks raising a family does not require the same (if not more) endurance, creativity, patience, and self-love as in making art, well then their opinions are not ones I find worth entertaining.

And as many of the greatest and most successful female (and feminist) artists have been pointing out, especially in recent years- we CAN'T have it all. But we can all have what we need and more. We can all have more than enough.

And that should be enough for the rest of you.

"The New Virginity"

I just watched a 'documentary' on MTV about (and titled) 'The New Virginity" concerning the growing trend towards purity rings and vows of celibacy.

hmmm.....

I think I have to think about it some more, but wanted to record my initial reaction. My generation was the first real venerates of the 'just say no' era. First, we were saying no to drugs, and then we were saying no to sex. And then when all that failed, we were told to use condoms to save our lives. Teen pregnancy was most definitely not cool and AIDS had become a disease that affected more than just the gays. Of course, no one believed they would get AIDS, but who wants herpes?

And of course, we did not necessarily say no to drugs either, but I guess the use of drugs, alcohol and sex were normal (?) as in sometimes, frequently, daily, hourly or not at all.

What?

Of course there must be a delineation between boy sex and girl sex. Boys were allowed, and in many cases encouraged to do it. To swagger about the schools, lying or being honest in exploiting their conquests and forever (or at least until graduation) tainting the image of the girl who did it with them. For the girls, well there were those who did it, and those who did not. AMong the ones who did it, there were the girls who only did it with their boyfriend, and those who would be less discriminating.

I was the girl who only did it with her boyfriend, and never casually. But I had a lot of boyfriends I guess. SO what? That's not the point. The point I am making is that sexually may not have always been treated with respect, we teens may not have always made the best decisions, but we had it, did it, talked about it, cried about it and laughed about it.

I wonder about young women who are currently trying to sort through adolescence. There is so much emphasis on the act of getting married as in the commerce surrounding the wedding day with not nearly enough emphasis on the marriage itself, and an insane trend towards the sexy maternity figure. Clothes and fashion speak to the plump full breasts and covered tummies of mommies to be. Not to mention the myriad of teens girls choosing to have babies at an age when they have never had a job, lived outside their childhood homes and certainly have never taken care of themselves.

I know I am not saying anything that hasn't been said more eloquently elsewhere but I wanted a moment to begin voicing my objections to not only concealing the importance of sexuality, even as teens, but also the lack of responsibility being heralded by these teens who are rushing to meet adult milestones without an iota of knowledge to become self-sufficient.

There is a strange divide among celebrities- 'older' women trying to have babies, and young, practically still teens, getting married.

My biggest criticisms fall to the hypocrisy and manipulative behaviors that show young girls wearing thong and padded bras while wearing their diamond purity rings. "O Daddy, you know I would NEVER do something like that!" And yet STD's are at an all time high, teen pregnancy is the new accessory and kids are getting married at 19 or 20 years old.

I cannot, however, blame these kids. It is the parents and schools that started it.